One year on...

I started as part of my current team on the 1st of March 2021 and it is safe to say I was petrified. I remember thinking "what have I done?", "Why am I here?", "I will never be good enough". I joined the team after being a qualified NA for just 2 months. One year on and I have new questions. "I have learned so much, what's next?", "How can I help new starters and students on the ward?", "How can I make my nursing practice better?".

This last year I have dealt with situations I never would have thought I could. And when I think about what I have had to try and manage, my first thought is that I have never had to manage alone. My colleagues, be they bands 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7; physios, patient co-ordinators, critical care team, or cleaning and support staff, have all supported me in a variety of ways.

I am always the worst person to ask for help. I feel I am being a bother or a burden, or that if I ask for help it means I can't do my job. I have a tendency to battle on, and to quote a famous fish, to "just keep swimming". But the team around me has never left me alone to deal with anything. There is always someone asking me "are you okay?". And it is that team support that has got me to where I am today.

Nursing is not a solo practice.

The saying "it takes a village" can so easily be applied to nursing, because no one can do anything alone, and everyone needs help sometimes.

So. What have I learned in the last year?

I can cannulate, take blood, catheterise, look after CPAP and NIV patients, look after chest drains, educate about inhaler technique and peak flow, care for patients with tracheostomies, look after stomas and urostomies, give IV medications, perform ECGs, I have learned how to support a patient and their loved ones through End of Life care and their palliative needs. I've called relatives to say their loved one is deteriorating. I could go on.

I remember when I started my training and it was drilled into us about the practical task-based skillset that we would acquire, and how it would be different from a band 5 remit.

But no one really talked about the personal growth or the intangible skill set I would gain.

About how I could hold a relative sobbing when their mum died, knowing it was enough that I was with them. About building a rapport and relationship with patients who communicate differently. About discussing treatment options with a patient after the doctor had gone and the shock had sunk in. About recognising and advocating for a patient who was dying. About recognising when a colleague was having a difficult time. How often-times, it is the holistic care, the small things that the patients remember the most.

I have become stronger emotionally than I ever thought I could be. I have surprised myself with a lack of panic in life-threatening situations. I have started to find my nursing style and my voice, and I am learning how to speak with it.

I have cried, been angry, laughed, and felt unbelievably stressed. Sometimes all in 1 hour on the ward. But this job, this career that I have chosen is helping me grow into the person I want to be.

And I can't help but wonder....what next?